Toxic Parents may Ruin the Game

“Mera beta bahut badi MNC mein Director hai. Aur chota beta sarkari afsar hai,” I heard an old man boasting about his kids amidst his regular group of senior citizens in our housing society.

Typical Indian parents have evolved to treat their children with a sense of ownership. And why shouldn’t they? They have been nurturing their persona and upbringing them since they were children. This seems quite normal indeed — but wait. This sense of ownership often grows into toxicity for the child as he grows up, especially when parents fail to realise that it’s time to gracefully let their kids take charge of their own decisions.

It is important for parents to realise that getting their kids married does not end their relationship with them. It is okay for children to live separately — joint families are becoming extinct in modern times for various reasons. All this while, parents have worked hard to instil their family values in their children, and when the children start their own families, that’s when those values are truly put to the test.

Parents these days are themselves not ideal and often demonstrate bad habits, poor decisions, or shortcomings of their own. In such situations, it’s important for them to understand that trying to influence their married children only leads to more problems. This becomes worse when the child is trying to bring in fresh ideas and instil better values in the family he is raising. Based on my experiences, below are the top five indicators that parents are being toxic towards their married children.

1. Over-communication

While it is great to be aware of the well-being of the children, both parents and children should realise that communicating multiple times a day or over-communicating may be harmful. In the Indian context, mothers especially tend to have more influence on their daughters’ emotions and decisions. This can be dangerous and may become detrimental to building a stronger husband–wife relationship.

2. Dependence on Parents for Decision-making

It is okay for children to be emotionally attached to their parents, but they must realise that parental advice is not always necessary. At times, it’s okay for grown-up kids to make mistakes too. It is not always necessary that the decisions made by parents during their time still apply to their children in their context. It’s important to note that parents are human beings and their decisions may be influenced by emotions and viewpoints that are not necessarily the best for their children.

3. Handling Finances

Money management should be strictly handled by married children. While it is okay for them to inherit their parents’ wealth when the time comes, they must build their own wealth and manage their finances separately and discreetly. Sharing financial details with parents can build unnecessary perceptions and may even provoke favouritism among siblings. This eventually promotes bitterness.

If a grown-up child is not ready to handle and manage finances independently or still needs support from parents or relatives, he is unfit to get married and have children — it’s that simple.

4. Parents Praising One Sibling’s Family members and Kids

While it may seem natural for a parent to talk about their feelings and discuss their grandchildren, it may silently hurt the emotions of the other child. Sometimes, parental favouritism is the worst form of toxicity. Appreciating the accomplishments of grandchildren is good, but constantly praising one set of grandchildren in the absence of others spreads toxicity and creates bitterness among siblings.

In nuclear families, siblings usually live separately with their own families. It’s important for parents to act responsibly when dealing with or visiting their children.

5. Treating Daughters-in-law as Their Own Daughters

In the Indian context, we often hear parents say they treat their daughter-in-law as their own daughter — which, in my opinion, is the biggest lie. The girl who comes into a new house belongs to a different family, culture, and set of values, with her own likes and dislikes. Expecting her to be your daughter and give her the same affection as your son is impractical.

Imagine your reaction if she denies your request in the first week of marriage — would you still treat her like your daughter? Let’s be practical and rational.

These are just a few indicators of how parents, knowingly or unknowingly, induce toxicity into the lives of their married children.

Think back to the day you decided to have a child — was that desire born out of social pressure or your own will? In most cases, we bring up children out of our own desire, just as we desire to buy a car, a good house, or own something we dream of. But parents often fail to realise that children are not possessions — they are independent souls, just like their parents. Parents are not the creators of their children’s destiny, and definitely not their owners.